Saturday, June 16, 2012
nuclear science. @ 20:23

End-of-term exams have been concluded since, nearly, a week ago; and my average cumulative index starts falling ever since as grades per subject begin to convene themselves amidst things. Amidst holiday, issues.. And particularly my disloyalty towards my very own decision in enlisting the recruitment by withdrawing from the first stage.

Seriously, but no.

You need no spectacles, pal; your vision is just as good as mine, and you're not a friggin' illiterate ceasing in reading alphabets, either. To be quite honest, I have committed the act of betrayal, and I feel really, really treacherous for being unfaithful to both sides at the same time.

It's not been easy.

It's not been easy, I've known it all along. It's my choice that I applied to the Language Laboratory first, and it's true that I still have that binding contract for the remaining semester. I was just being greedy. I couldn't help seeing myself as part of the family, as one of the Study Group members who opened up, who got along and has been in a rather close exposure with the seniors. I couldn't help seeing m the other Study Group fellows I've come to trust and I to be the next assistants, and I couldn't let anyone to come in between - taking my place. I grieved the fact that everyone has an equal chance to replace me. I could not let go. I wanted to be acknowledged, and I felt miserable that I'm tied down. I didn't, and don't, like the place and people I currently belong to for my initial expectations there had been lowered to the lowest level possible - and the worst part was, seriously, I knew there was really nothing I could do about that and I felt completely powerless to change it. The rest is pretty shitty: I mustered every bit of guts and collected all of the requirements on time. I enrolled. I did not want to feel regret crawling upon me, more familiar than a mother's caress. I made an attempt. I tore the flesh of one side's trust, yet I ended up pouring salt on the open wound when I realized that even if I were to be accepted, I wouldn't be able to make it.

I halted. Compliance, my friend, that's the ultimate toll. Maybe disdain from one side, I don't know. I feel sorry to everyone. To myself, to my mother, the other Language Lab assistants, the supervisors, and even SIPO Lab assistants. I'm sorry, but I have to be assertive with every decision I've made.