Wednesday, July 18, 2012
what is it with him, seriously? @ 06:23
"Why do you seem uninterested in dating guys?"
It was a bright, lovely Sunday when Mum uttered what my elder brother covertly inquired her as he finally seemed to regain a tiny bit of conscience about my personal preferences. I lightly scoffed, pretending to remain oblivious with a hurtful irony that followed.
"You know I am normal.."
I averted my gaze back to my laptop again, "Which is an unfunny joke, really, cause I'm basically just more comfortable being single--"
"He's truly incredulous." Mum continued, "It wasn't long ago that he came to me to ask the reason why you don't look like you're seeing someone.. Nor you bother to get yourself a boyfriend when you are already 20 and only have one brief dating experience."
There was a long silence that later poisoned the air; seeping the whole ambiance. Awkwardness manifested itself. I skeptically resumed surfing the web, still feigning to act unmindful despite noticing a composite of various feelings jumbled out of the blue and made my chest feel uneasily heavy.
"'Why isn't she like me, having a girlfriend and going out somewhere on weekends? Why does everything she appears to care for only make her... Abnormal, unsociable, compared to most girls of her age?'"
Still facing my laptop screen, I rolled my eyes upon hearing what she had recited - feeling constant, malevolent poignancy rupturing my intentional ignorance. I bit my lower lip albeit the pain; scrolling down Park Chan Yeol's fansite when Mum bitterly evoked a laughter - the sound echoed clear disbelief.
"That kid..." she sighed, "How could he be so... Inattentive?"
"I don't have a clue." I amazed myself with my own voice, which tone seemed detached from with the ensuing hurt. "But don't you think that a person like him is one of the reasons why I find my laptop far more appealing than most people?"
She was about to speak something when I immediately slacked off, gritting teeth, "I'm fully aware I'm unlike other girls since I don't conform to public conjectures, or consensus, or whatever it's addressed.." it took me a couple of second to elaborate, "But it's.......... Sad that as siblings, he apparently doesn't know me as much as I do know him."
There was worry. And faint regret for starting such conversation.
"But it's okay, Mom." I opened another Park Chan Yeol tumblr, mumbling - almost whispering. "I'm doing good in my own way."