Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Such cowardice. @ 07:53

Dear friend,
There was one time where I got spat at by a lecturer during student orientation for being ill-mannered. There was this one time too where I got reprimanded by a senior during a laboratory research presentation for never greeting him properly whenever we happened to stumble across each other, and although I am still bewildered by the necessity to say “Hi!” every time we encounter someone and the position I was put in—where all seniors would start throwing metaphorical bricks at you and accuse you of so-called unfit deeds regardless of how trivial it was, I believe I did smile at him, which I assumed was more than enough for when meeting people I usually just give a quick glance or slight nod to acknowledge their presence. There were also another occasions in which my mother and friend’s exasperated remarks were incorporated, mostly noting my ignorance and discourtesy 'though I'm sure what I did was circumstantial. I wish dealing with people is simpler.

Labels: ,

Friday, August 03, 2012
an end @ 19:59

"Now that Geladi has come to an end, how do you feel regarding the matter?"

I mentally questioned myself as I leaned forward, my elbows resting on the table, my fisted hands tucked under my chin. It was when we were assembled for the program's closing event at the company's head office at Japati that I eventually learned that the whole tiring routine is over - which could only mean complete, utter freedom will carry me from now onwards as holiday progresses.

I can see myself missing some aspects of the things I have grown familiar with in days, though; trivial details included. Sure, I'm gonna miss every single thing - like that cement stairs in front of MDF backdoor where the three of us sat during the first few of days of our work there, waiting for approximately 30-50 minutes until our supervisor, Pak Nana, showed up; appearing clueless and awkward to each other. I'm gonna miss that blue couch inside Jarlok room too - which seats always seemed to slump every time we tried to sit on it.

I'm actually smiling whilst typing this.

And the MSAN, yes. Those MSANs at Dago Resort that we took a visit to and one street restaurant at around Dago atas where our supervisor's peer (I forgot the name, I'm sorry) treated us for lunch - I recall the tempe, fried chicken breast and sambel were delicious. And that particular feeder point, RR, which is located at Jalan Hasanuddin 2 - right across Santo Borromeus Hospital and Muamalat Bank where we had our first field validation task assigned to us. And that RM Padang at Tubagus Ismail where we and Pak Iwan went to afterward. He paid our meal.

Also, if I am to talk about MDF room........ I dunno. I'm sure I'm going to miss Pak Ujang, Pak Heru, Pak Sandra, Pak Indra and those kids: Taufik, Jati, Jaya, Narso, Rony, Mirah, Agris, Arfan, Dawam, Ilyas and Satria (although the latter 3 had this odd, obnoxious vibe so I sorta had a hard time to get to talk to them) from Merdeka, Nasional and 40 vocational high schools who are still having Prakerin. Even the red couch, the micro testers, validation sheets, that bitch voice on 119/141, the modules, DSLAMs, cables, the whiteboard, modem, i-SISKA, and even the computer. The one and only operating computer in the Site Operation.

Ah, yes. We had quite a nice time watching several Running Man episodes in between our work.

There's just too many tears start to fall from my eyes due to difficult attempt in recollecting loads of memories, but a simple "I'm happy" was all I could have given as an answer. Either for the fact that I don't have to spend nearly (and at times it's even over) 4 hours going straight from home-office-home anymore or the fact that I got placed at STO Dago.... eh. Will putting ヽ(;▽;)ノ at the end of this paragraph do a better job in making this a bit more dramatic?  .....so yeah. To Pak Nana, Pak Yaya, Pak Iwan and everyone, thank you. Thank you very much for all the kindness, guidance, tasks, old-fashioned jokes, profanities, lessons, patience, incentives, everything.

Thank you, Site Operation Dago.

Thank you, Lucy and Icha. For being cooperative, dorky, lively and all.

I buried my face into my folded arms once I dragged my attention back. That 'so-called-student-representative' dude was delivering a speech that even a double facepalm couldn't possibly picture the immensity of its bizarreness.


Thursday, August 02, 2012
life @ 07:25

You'd think it is easy to know who you are since you've always been yourself your entire life, but it isn't all that simple, especially since it can be frightening to think about - consciously. -Peace Heavy mk II, MH's minichat


Wednesday, July 18, 2012
what is it with him, seriously? @ 06:23

"Why do you seem uninterested in dating guys?"

It was a bright, lovely Sunday when Mum uttered what my elder brother covertly inquired her as he finally seemed to regain a tiny bit of conscience about my personal preferences. I lightly scoffed, pretending to remain oblivious with a hurtful irony that followed.

"You know I am normal.."

I averted my gaze back to my laptop again, "Which is an unfunny joke, really, cause I'm basically just more comfortable being single--"

"He's truly incredulous." Mum continued, "It wasn't long ago that he came to me to ask the reason why you don't look like you're seeing someone.. Nor you bother to get yourself a boyfriend when you are already 20 and only have one brief dating experience."

There was a long silence that later poisoned the air; seeping the whole ambiance. Awkwardness manifested itself. I skeptically resumed surfing the web, still feigning to act unmindful despite noticing a composite of various feelings jumbled out of the blue and made my chest feel uneasily heavy.

"'Why isn't she like me, having a girlfriend and going out somewhere on weekends? Why does everything she appears to care for only make her... Abnormal, unsociable, compared to most girls of her age?'"

Still facing my laptop screen, I rolled my eyes upon hearing what she had recited - feeling constant, malevolent poignancy rupturing my intentional ignorance. I bit my lower lip albeit the pain; scrolling down Park Chan Yeol's fansite when Mum bitterly evoked a laughter - the sound echoed clear disbelief.

"That kid..." she sighed, "How could he be so... Inattentive?"

"I don't have a clue." I amazed myself with my own voice, which tone seemed detached from with the ensuing hurt. "But don't you think that a person like him is one of the reasons why I find my laptop far more appealing than most people?"

She was about to speak something when I immediately slacked off, gritting teeth, "I'm fully aware I'm unlike other girls since I don't conform to public conjectures, or consensus, or whatever it's addressed.." it took me a couple of second to elaborate, "But it's.......... Sad that as siblings, he apparently doesn't know me as much as I do know him."

There was worry. And faint regret for starting such conversation.

"But it's okay, Mom." I opened another Park Chan Yeol tumblr, mumbling - almost whispering. "I'm doing good in my own way."


Friday, June 29, 2012
flowering @ 22:32


"44,000-66,000 phone numbers to validate? Well. Nothing is impossible, no?" -nobody


Monday, June 18, 2012
Happy Now? @ 20:28



Saturday, June 16, 2012
nuclear science. @ 20:23

End-of-term exams have been concluded since, nearly, a week ago; and my average cumulative index starts falling ever since as grades per subject begin to convene themselves amidst things. Amidst holiday, issues.. And particularly my disloyalty towards my very own decision in enlisting the recruitment by withdrawing from the first stage.

Seriously, but no.

You need no spectacles, pal; your vision is just as good as mine, and you're not a friggin' illiterate ceasing in reading alphabets, either. To be quite honest, I have committed the act of betrayal, and I feel really, really treacherous for being unfaithful to both sides at the same time.

It's not been easy.

It's not been easy, I've known it all along. It's my choice that I applied to the Language Laboratory first, and it's true that I still have that binding contract for the remaining semester. I was just being greedy. I couldn't help seeing myself as part of the family, as one of the Study Group members who opened up, who got along and has been in a rather close exposure with the seniors. I couldn't help seeing m the other Study Group fellows I've come to trust and I to be the next assistants, and I couldn't let anyone to come in between - taking my place. I grieved the fact that everyone has an equal chance to replace me. I could not let go. I wanted to be acknowledged, and I felt miserable that I'm tied down. I didn't, and don't, like the place and people I currently belong to for my initial expectations there had been lowered to the lowest level possible - and the worst part was, seriously, I knew there was really nothing I could do about that and I felt completely powerless to change it. The rest is pretty shitty: I mustered every bit of guts and collected all of the requirements on time. I enrolled. I did not want to feel regret crawling upon me, more familiar than a mother's caress. I made an attempt. I tore the flesh of one side's trust, yet I ended up pouring salt on the open wound when I realized that even if I were to be accepted, I wouldn't be able to make it.

I halted. Compliance, my friend, that's the ultimate toll. Maybe disdain from one side, I don't know. I feel sorry to everyone. To myself, to my mother, the other Language Lab assistants, the supervisors, and even SIPO Lab assistants. I'm sorry, but I have to be assertive with every decision I've made.